Fear Demon Extra Freewrite

Fear.

fear liek the fear demons from dragon age or the new est inquistion where the fear demon is what jis behind everything. or the game f.e.a.r. i don;t know. i m afraid of spiders, thats fsomething im afraid of. i m afraid of judgment, and other things. like i don’t even know what im afraid of until i feel that familiar beating of my heart, and then sometimes i confudese fear with anziecty anxiety because they feel the same i guess they are kind of the same beacause when you are anxious, you fear something, so maybe they aren’t interchangable tearms but they go hand in ahnd with each other, like reading and books, aor pen and apaper. its werid how things are like that. although those are bad exampkles. i can’t think iof anything else, like fear and anxiety wehre they are the same thing, but they are different. or well i guess one is the prduct of the other so like cows and milk, thats better. I dont like anxiety. it makes me sweat, and it makes me sad. sometimes, when im anxoiuse engouh ill freak out and i wont be able to breathe, or something like that. like my roomate, he makes me ancxious, but i guess im not really afraif of him. he doesnt make me fear him, i just feel anxious around him. or maybe there is something about him or something im afraifd he;kk do if i do something he likes or doesnt like, and im afraid of that, the unknown. everyone is afraid of the unknown. everyone. i don’t care who you are , i dont care if you think you have it all planned out, we are at out most frightened when the woman asks us to put our hands in the cardboard bocx, and we’re hesistant because our friends told us what we’d find, or no one told us, and hwe dont want to have to dffeel that wauy. i know that i cant even try new food, and i can see that. sometimes i can be super weird too. like im so afraid of finding a different route to work or school because i dont want to be late, even if the other way is faster, or maybe even buy a new book, because i dont knowo iff ill like it. im afraid to tell my roomate somet hings sometiems, because im afraid ill loose him as a friend, and im afraidf he;kk be mean to me, or sad, or something. and i dont want his family to hate me. and i dont wnat anyone to hate me, i just want to do what i want to do, and sometimes, i shouldnt i know, but sometimes, i don;t know how to say it without feeling like ive hurt someone. i am a people pleaser and i like to keep it that way. people are wonderful, and they desercve happinees, which i s why i want to be a psychologist ecause i want to help people become beautiufl iand perfect in their own eyes, instead of other’s eyes. i want them to be happy, to legitimately feel happy, and want to live, and love others, and be heklpful, and healthy. i dont care what theyve done . i dont believe in bad people. no one is a bad person. sometimes people do bad things, but no one is truly a bad person, and i think this because out of the most recent DSM (5 ii think), pary of diagnosing a mental disorder is if the person does things that are way outsaide of the norm, and if you do something “bad” then that isnt part of the norm.

Demon.

i gues i velibece in demons. i dont know if i really do, because i feel tlike they would be everyone all the time, but i gues some pary of me id afraid of them. i velibve in fairries, and things like that, so i guess demons fit that bnelief, i just see so much evidence for everything else, i dont seem much for deomns other than movies. ast night we rented a movie about the xoristst it was a documentary, and i was suepr dissapointed. i thought it was going to be an actual movie, a scary movie, which is my favorited kind. ibut it wasn’t and i was really upset that it woasnt. although we did watch anvhorman 2, and the movie sex tape, which both were extermeely funny, funnier than i thought they would be. i really like will ferrel l but troy doesnt, and i dont know why. i think its the slapstick humor in will ferrell movies, but i thinjk he needs to lighten up for the mosst part. and i think that a lot of things should happen, doesnt mean they are suppossed to . i am so tired right now, i really just want to go to sleep, but its worth it to stay awake, i dont even know how this looks right now. hiw many red lines i have dotting across the page because im so tired. i dont care what happenees anymore, i almost just passed out. too tired for this . i dont like feeling tired, but im always tired, ki think its because im depresssed, but idk if im actually depresseed or if i just think i am because it will give me something to be unique through, lik im not very unique, im a white girl who likes cats and starbucks, and smokes pall mall whitwe 100s, who like video games, and changes her hairstykle every like two months, i dont see i just dont see what about me is unique or attractive or anything im kind of just a background person for all of the super successful, outgoing people outhtreer. im what the movie industry would call an extra, or a charater tooyou hear very little from throught the movei. i wish i was more intersting, or had a passion other than psychology, like with video games, i cant talk to gamers, because they all know more about things than me, i cant talk about my paganism to anyone bcause im so new to it, i cant talk to anyone about anything, beucase i dont trust them. i guess i have trust issues too, but not so much as issues, with not being awesome. i just wish i was a unique soiul. one who everyone liked. who was outgoing, not part of the backgroud. but in my mind, because im so afraid of poeple i kind of wnat to stay wehre i am as well. idk its wehrever likfe takes me i guess and i probabbly sohoulndt look at life as being something that takes me someonewhere, i should probably look at it as something i can control, as something i can make better, i don’t know why i dont/cant, i just guess i dont wnat to try, because i dont want to fail. id rather fail not tring than fail while trying. idk i m just weird about my likes and dsilikes sometimes. i really like writing i can tell who in this callss doesnt, because they are just kind of sitting annot thinking or typing or antuyhging, i cant stop styping, i have eay to much on my mind. plus im tired, that helps fuel my need to do something to keep me awake. but i jst think that if your going to pay for something at least participate. its not difficult, unless i its verbal and youre like me, then it becomes very complicated. because people scare me all that time.

Extra.

its all about extra. we as a society just want everyhtin ever to have, which can be okay, if tyoure not willing to lose evertyhgin to try and get more.. this was going to be what i wrote about but im really bad a t loopiing, i dont really wnat to share much because things are complicated, and im still tired, and im about doesn with this ferrewrinting thing. nick is outisde the calsswroom waiting for me and such, its weird to think about being egaged, i dont know if i woould want to marry him anytime soon, i could ne engaged to him forever and that would make me happy. no sex before marriage he alsway says,, which is funny. s hwat about when we are engaged? does that rule still apply. i dont know why a guy like him loves me, because im so mean, and tired all the time, and gross, and im just not the best person, i dont help people klie he does, and i dont usually try and go out of my way to help people,, and i want to help nut i have to go to school for it, i have very set veies. i get angry easily and im just overall a abd eprson for him. i wish he could find someone whho wasnt so bad. i mean im glad he shcose me, but it makes me sad that he deserves ebtter and im too selfish to let him have better. its just so overwhelming all the time. sometimes i just want to crawl into a hole and never come back out. in fact i teel like that most days, becasue things are so hard, and i make them hard, and i dont know why i haee to do that our what i can do to fix that and sometimes i dont know if i really want to fix that. and gosh, im just so tireed of everything. i want to seep all day and never do anything ever again. its not fair to anyone around me, buts thats just how i feelsometimesi cry when other people ar e happy becasuse i dont know what that feels like. im going to stop writing now because im tired, and done, and my hands hurt from writing or should i say typing so much. i think ive writted engouh. for the day, except ill put something in here about like how mcuch i love reading so tha tim not also a liar, when it comes times to chsare. so here it is : i love reading all the time, and i could read all day , especially about fairaies, and dragons and cool things that are interesting, mythogoogy is good, and i love doimng tarot, and using my oracle cards, and learning about myxslef. oh that reminds me, i have toinvite people to my marykay debut. ugh how am i going to get anyone to come to that. im not friendly at all, and i forget every chace i have. it literally te worst.i wish firends came easy to me, so that i could just have people to come up to aand ask if they would come to my debut. i feells o bad, all the time because i dont have nay friednds, well ido , but i cant ask anything of anyone because i think theyll turn me down. but maybe my stepmom isnt busy this weekedn, or something. gosh im so tired, can i go to bed now please, or get a redline or something like that. i wish nick would sleep more. that would make me feel better about wanting to sleep all the time, but he wnats to go out and actually do stuff, im not so good at that.